This blog post may be a little longer than usual, because in order to share my thoughts/what I've learned recently, I would have to give a few background stories.
But to preface all of my stories (to hopefully give you incentive to read the whole thing..) what I learned in short is this: Let us Glory in Tribulation... .. because truth be told, it is what qualifies you to accomplish ANYTHING.
But (besides a whole slieu of lessons this semester and people who have really helped me, and truly have been there for me this last semester) when the week of May 28 rolled around, I told myself I was going to do something about it instead of waiting for something to happen to me; instead of waiting for my situation to change, I was going to change it. So I bought a contract in an apartment complex down the street. A place where I had just barely met a few people, but in reality, didn't know a soul (except for my roommate from last year who would be moving out as I was moving in, anyway.) Also.. let me add.. I consider myself a shy person. People who don't really know me could say that they see how that could be.. people who know me better say that that is absolutely impossible, and people who know me really well say that I'm not shy, I just get into these pockets of shyness sometimes. But truth be told, I feel terrified inside sometimes when I talk to people, even though I don't come off as it, and even though I fight it.. the fear still exists. So this was my big exercise of faith. To buy a contract, and then as a moved in (and am currently working on) to exercise faith to get out of my comfort zone and TALK to people! Make friends!
Anyway, that's irrelevant. Week of May 28, I was studying Faith, and I decided everyday that week that I was going to exercise a little bit of faith.. just to say I did. It was step one, for healing.
For anyone who is contemplating doing any sort of long distance running, I will say it right now: Just do it. You have no idea how incredibly blessed you will be for doing it. When you train and do something so ridiculously hard like running a long distance race, you realize that there is only one thing that matters about how successful you are about your life: YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!
Let me explain my experience, and hopefully rub off on the Truth that you truly are capable of accomplishing anything:
You train for months. And to be honest, this was something I had been looking forward to for a very long time. I told myself, that if I could run a marathon, then that would show me and prove to me that I was self-confident. It would prove to me that I wasn't failure. But needless to say, that was not the only lesson I was supposed to learn (keep reading and you'll hear more about it in my 'lesson' section!) Ohh... God had something much better in store for me, in terms of what knowledge I was going to walk away from that finish line with.
I ran the race with a friend in my ward named Mackenzie. We both found out around March-ish that we were training for the same marathon. So as the time got closer we talked and encouraged each other. The night before we carb-loaded with a pasta party, and then were driven over to the buses at 3:45am the day of the race by Mackenzie's roommate, Krista. p.s. Krista and another girl Kim in our ward were suuuuper encouraging and excited for both of us. (It was both our first marathon, and Kim and Krista had run marathon's before)
Anyway... we drove up to a small town called Wallsburg near Heber, and the race went past Deer Creek Resevoir, and the Alpine loop down Provo Canyon, to Center Street in Provo.
Around mile 2 or 3ish Mackenzie and I were running together and talking about how we were going to conquer this beast. This was one of the biggest blessings for me, because she was just coming up with ideas all over the place.. things I hadn't or wouldn't have even ever thought of! She would say, "OK.. if we get this thought, or this thought or this thought, what are we going to tell ourselves?" Like if our feet start to hurt, we'd tell ourselves that as we ran, we were stretching them out. If we got a side-cramp, then breathe. All of these things.. she was just popping out ideas right and left, and it REALLY helped.
The other thing we did, was name the hills. At Mile 8, and Mile 17 there were long hills. (We also named small hills along the way). The first big one we called Edgar Allan Poe (because he was such a depressing writer, and so we were getting over the negativity and kicking it in the butt) The second hill, I named Romans. My initial thought was because the Romans were so mean. But this later became blessing #4.
Mackenzie and I had also divided our miles into sections. Like the 1st mile was warm up. Then 2 miles of more intense warm-up. Then a 5k (3 miles) of a light jog. Then a 10k (6 miles) of hearty jog. Then the last mile was the wind-down mile. That adds up to 13 miles. Which is a half marathon. So then, you do the whole thing again. The last mile (only mile 25) we would tell ourselves, "Anyone can run a mile." Cause its true.. anyone CAN run a mile.
The #1 goal however that I should mention, was that both of us, didn't want to walk. That was The #1 goal.
Blessing #2 - Optimism
If you run a race, there is one thing that is absolutely necessary-- Optimism. The moment you have a negative thought, you're done for. I cannot express the the particularity of the detail and devotion you must have to being optimistic. So Mackenzie's goals, really helped in the beginning. This was especially helpful, because all the way down Provo canyon.. the wind was blowing in our faces. A lot of runners complained, and I could see why a lot of people would complain because you were running into the wind. But its all about your attitude-- just like life is all about your attitude. To be honest, it would have been stinkin hot without the wind.. and to add more to the optimism, we told ourselves it was an endless supply of oxygen right into our mouths, haha. But seriously.. you have to be optimistic. There's SO much you COULD complain about it.. so why not avoid it if it will just make you miserable? You're running 26.2 miles. You might as well enjoy it and be grateful and rejoice that your body can do such wonderful, amazing things!
And just like there's so much that COULD go wrong with your life, there's also SOOOOO much you could be grateful for. So just be grateful. If reality is no fun, then I rather be Naive and happy, then live in reality and be unhappy. The best part though, is that reality can be joyous. You just have to find it.
But when I got to the hill, it shed a whole new light for me. Truth be told, my favorite book in the New Testament is Romans. Why? Because it is SOOO BEAUTIFUL. Oh I cannot express the beauty and validation that comes, that YOU are such a precious child of God, and that you can do anything you want with your life. I freaking love that book. Anyways.. so as I was running up 'Romans' all of my favorite scriptures started coming to mind. Romans 8: 31, "What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?" Or Romans 5:3-5.. Hope maketh not ashamed.
But the #1 Scripture that kept replaying in my mind, was Romans 4:18. Its the story of Abraham and how he was promised great nations.. but Sara's womb was dead.... but verse 18 states that Abraham, "who against hope believed in hope" and that is the phrase that got me up that 2 mile long hill.
“Marathoning is like cutting yourself unexpectedly. You dip into the pain so gradually that the damage is done before you are aware of it. Unfortunately, when awareness comes, it is excruciating.” ~ John Farrington, Australian marathoner
Anyway.. I hit the wall at mile 22. I was done. I didn't want to move a single inch forward. I didn't even want to walk.. I just wanted to sit. But we kept going. I stopped encouraging Mackenzie. I didn't have any breathe left in me. I actually got really grumpy. By mile 22, we were in the city. We had reached the Riverwoods, and wind had stopped blowing and it was hot. The last 4 miles felt like eternity. Each felt so much longer than the mile before it. I think the best part though, was getting an otter pop at 23 :)
We got to mile 25. We told ourselves, "Anyone can run a mile", and then something happened.. the very last thing I would've possibly imagined: I had to go to the bathroom.
Because we were only a mile away, and because we were in the city.. there were no more port-a-potties. But I had to go. And I knew that if I didn't do something about it, I was going to go in my pants. Oh, it was a terrifying feeling. Inside I was actually horrified as I thought about all of my options. Do I stop? No. We made the goal to not stop. Do I run into someone's house and ask if I could use their restroom? The Provo Library was coming up and I had stopped so many times in my training to go to the bathroom there.. but that would mean leaving the course.
My thoughts didn't take me too far until I realized I HAD to slow down. So I did. I slowed down. Mackenzie kept her pace and when she realized I wasn't with her, she looked back at me, and then kept going. I was so glad she did, because I was ashamed at what I did next: I stopped.
That was the very moment all of the lessons and realizations and everything hit me. I stopped. I didn't reach my goal to not walk. I stopped. But as I thought about it (and as I controlled my bowels), as I thought about everything that I had supposedly 'failed' at in the last year.. was I a failure for stopping? Was I failure that things hadn't worked out? The answer was an overwhelming NO. I wasn't a failure. I tried my very hardest. The lesson that day was not self-confidence. In that moment I realized I didn't need it, because I already knew it. I already knew I was a confident person. I already knew I could do hard things. I already knew that in order to live your dreams you have to put everything you've got into it. No, the lesson that day was not to be a lesson of repeated past lessons. Why would the Lord waste both His and my time teaching me things I already knew deep down inside?
The lesson was simple: Put your whole heart into everything, and let Him take care of the rest. I couldn't do it by myself. How stupid and foolish I felt for thinking that I could! You give 110% of yourself.. which will take you only so far... and then you rely on Him. I used to hear the word grace, or think of the concept of grace as just something that I heard about. But now, I have much greater faith on what it is (even though I recognize I am only barely scratching the surface on understanding it). This what it comes down to. You CANNOT do it by yourself. You need grace. But you also have to put in everything you’ve got, and then rely on it. It's not one or the other. Its both. You need both the wholeness and devotion of your heart, as well as grace. You cannot rely on grace alone, and you cannot do it by yourself. You need both.
After I ate my humble pie, I started running again. The whole "aha" moment probably lasted about 2 minutes (but felt like eternity because of all of the realizations). The last mile didn't even phase me. Although I knew He loved me, I felt foolish. When I got to the finish line, I started to cry. Not because I was tired. Not because every inch of me hurt, but because I had been so naive in thinking I could do it by myself. It was a great lesson.
In 2 Corinthians 15:10 Paul says,
But to preface all of my stories (to hopefully give you incentive to read the whole thing..) what I learned in short is this: Let us Glory in Tribulation... .. because truth be told, it is what qualifies you to accomplish ANYTHING.
Story #1-A short history of my life in the last year, and how I've viewed myself because of it
I don't like publicly talking about things that I struggle with, just because I personally am secretly morally opposed to it. I love the idea of having a modest personality, and so I avoid talking about my struggles when I know others struggle too. Anyway, so this is a rare occasion, but yes.. I admit it. The last 12-13 months of my life have been a struggle. Why? To be honest, I think it all boiled down to my attitude. But it also didn't help that things that I had strived for didn't necessarily work out how I planned them to (silly of me, right? The truth is, life never turns out how you plan it to.. but that's where the adventure comes in!) Anyway.. if it was friendships or relationships or not getting into the teaching program, or a plethora of other small complaints I just felt like adding to my list.. what it came down to, was that I felt like a failure.But (besides a whole slieu of lessons this semester and people who have really helped me, and truly have been there for me this last semester) when the week of May 28 rolled around, I told myself I was going to do something about it instead of waiting for something to happen to me; instead of waiting for my situation to change, I was going to change it. So I bought a contract in an apartment complex down the street. A place where I had just barely met a few people, but in reality, didn't know a soul (except for my roommate from last year who would be moving out as I was moving in, anyway.) Also.. let me add.. I consider myself a shy person. People who don't really know me could say that they see how that could be.. people who know me better say that that is absolutely impossible, and people who know me really well say that I'm not shy, I just get into these pockets of shyness sometimes. But truth be told, I feel terrified inside sometimes when I talk to people, even though I don't come off as it, and even though I fight it.. the fear still exists. So this was my big exercise of faith. To buy a contract, and then as a moved in (and am currently working on) to exercise faith to get out of my comfort zone and TALK to people! Make friends!
Anyway, that's irrelevant. Week of May 28, I was studying Faith, and I decided everyday that week that I was going to exercise a little bit of faith.. just to say I did. It was step one, for healing.
Story #2- I ran a Marathon.
Yep, I ran a Marathon. The Utah Valley Marathon in fact. Their slogan is, "26.2 miles of the Pain You Enjoy". I ran a Marathon. I RAN A MARATHON! AND I LOVED IT!!!! It was one of the BEST experiences of my life.For anyone who is contemplating doing any sort of long distance running, I will say it right now: Just do it. You have no idea how incredibly blessed you will be for doing it. When you train and do something so ridiculously hard like running a long distance race, you realize that there is only one thing that matters about how successful you are about your life: YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!
Let me explain my experience, and hopefully rub off on the Truth that you truly are capable of accomplishing anything:
You train for months. And to be honest, this was something I had been looking forward to for a very long time. I told myself, that if I could run a marathon, then that would show me and prove to me that I was self-confident. It would prove to me that I wasn't failure. But needless to say, that was not the only lesson I was supposed to learn (keep reading and you'll hear more about it in my 'lesson' section!) Ohh... God had something much better in store for me, in terms of what knowledge I was going to walk away from that finish line with.
I ran the race with a friend in my ward named Mackenzie. We both found out around March-ish that we were training for the same marathon. So as the time got closer we talked and encouraged each other. The night before we carb-loaded with a pasta party, and then were driven over to the buses at 3:45am the day of the race by Mackenzie's roommate, Krista. p.s. Krista and another girl Kim in our ward were suuuuper encouraging and excited for both of us. (It was both our first marathon, and Kim and Krista had run marathon's before)
Anyway... we drove up to a small town called Wallsburg near Heber, and the race went past Deer Creek Resevoir, and the Alpine loop down Provo Canyon, to Center Street in Provo.
Me, Krista, Kim, and Mackenzie
Blessing #1-Mackenzie's goalsAround mile 2 or 3ish Mackenzie and I were running together and talking about how we were going to conquer this beast. This was one of the biggest blessings for me, because she was just coming up with ideas all over the place.. things I hadn't or wouldn't have even ever thought of! She would say, "OK.. if we get this thought, or this thought or this thought, what are we going to tell ourselves?" Like if our feet start to hurt, we'd tell ourselves that as we ran, we were stretching them out. If we got a side-cramp, then breathe. All of these things.. she was just popping out ideas right and left, and it REALLY helped.
The other thing we did, was name the hills. At Mile 8, and Mile 17 there were long hills. (We also named small hills along the way). The first big one we called Edgar Allan Poe (because he was such a depressing writer, and so we were getting over the negativity and kicking it in the butt) The second hill, I named Romans. My initial thought was because the Romans were so mean. But this later became blessing #4.
Mackenzie and I had also divided our miles into sections. Like the 1st mile was warm up. Then 2 miles of more intense warm-up. Then a 5k (3 miles) of a light jog. Then a 10k (6 miles) of hearty jog. Then the last mile was the wind-down mile. That adds up to 13 miles. Which is a half marathon. So then, you do the whole thing again. The last mile (only mile 25) we would tell ourselves, "Anyone can run a mile." Cause its true.. anyone CAN run a mile.
The #1 goal however that I should mention, was that both of us, didn't want to walk. That was The #1 goal.
Blessing #2 - Optimism
If you run a race, there is one thing that is absolutely necessary-- Optimism. The moment you have a negative thought, you're done for. I cannot express the the particularity of the detail and devotion you must have to being optimistic. So Mackenzie's goals, really helped in the beginning. This was especially helpful, because all the way down Provo canyon.. the wind was blowing in our faces. A lot of runners complained, and I could see why a lot of people would complain because you were running into the wind. But its all about your attitude-- just like life is all about your attitude. To be honest, it would have been stinkin hot without the wind.. and to add more to the optimism, we told ourselves it was an endless supply of oxygen right into our mouths, haha. But seriously.. you have to be optimistic. There's SO much you COULD complain about it.. so why not avoid it if it will just make you miserable? You're running 26.2 miles. You might as well enjoy it and be grateful and rejoice that your body can do such wonderful, amazing things!
And just like there's so much that COULD go wrong with your life, there's also SOOOOO much you could be grateful for. So just be grateful. If reality is no fun, then I rather be Naive and happy, then live in reality and be unhappy. The best part though, is that reality can be joyous. You just have to find it.
Mackenzie-- smiles and an optimistic thumbs up.
Blessing #4- The Hill Named Romans.
Like I said, I originally chose this name because honestly, the first thing that popped into my head, was that the Romans were so mean.
But when I got to the hill, it shed a whole new light for me. Truth be told, my favorite book in the New Testament is Romans. Why? Because it is SOOO BEAUTIFUL. Oh I cannot express the beauty and validation that comes, that YOU are such a precious child of God, and that you can do anything you want with your life. I freaking love that book. Anyways.. so as I was running up 'Romans' all of my favorite scriptures started coming to mind. Romans 8: 31, "What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?" Or Romans 5:3-5.. Hope maketh not ashamed.
But the #1 Scripture that kept replaying in my mind, was Romans 4:18. Its the story of Abraham and how he was promised great nations.. but Sara's womb was dead.... but verse 18 states that Abraham, "who against hope believed in hope" and that is the phrase that got me up that 2 mile long hill.
Blessing #5-The Gift of Your Body
Your body is a beautiful thing. I took a physiology class recently, and literally ran the marathon a few days before the final. So the entire time, I would think about how my body was working. Truth be told, let us rejoice in the gift of our bodies, because they are AMAZING. The way it works is absolutely incredible! My feet carried me so far. By the time I reached mile 20, I was so happy that my body had sustained me that far.
Hitting the Wall
So I just recently learned this about 2 weeks before the race.. but apparently when you run a marathon, there is this term people use that says you've, "Hit the Wall." Doesn't sound very pleasant. A quote I ran across said this about running a marathon/hitting the wall:“Marathoning is like cutting yourself unexpectedly. You dip into the pain so gradually that the damage is done before you are aware of it. Unfortunately, when awareness comes, it is excruciating.” ~ John Farrington, Australian marathoner
Anyway.. I hit the wall at mile 22. I was done. I didn't want to move a single inch forward. I didn't even want to walk.. I just wanted to sit. But we kept going. I stopped encouraging Mackenzie. I didn't have any breathe left in me. I actually got really grumpy. By mile 22, we were in the city. We had reached the Riverwoods, and wind had stopped blowing and it was hot. The last 4 miles felt like eternity. Each felt so much longer than the mile before it. I think the best part though, was getting an otter pop at 23 :)
Lesson #1
There was a lot I learned that day. A lot that I didn't think I was going to learn. In fact, it was like eating a huge fat slice of humble pie.. and it was hard to swallow.We got to mile 25. We told ourselves, "Anyone can run a mile", and then something happened.. the very last thing I would've possibly imagined: I had to go to the bathroom.
Because we were only a mile away, and because we were in the city.. there were no more port-a-potties. But I had to go. And I knew that if I didn't do something about it, I was going to go in my pants. Oh, it was a terrifying feeling. Inside I was actually horrified as I thought about all of my options. Do I stop? No. We made the goal to not stop. Do I run into someone's house and ask if I could use their restroom? The Provo Library was coming up and I had stopped so many times in my training to go to the bathroom there.. but that would mean leaving the course.
My thoughts didn't take me too far until I realized I HAD to slow down. So I did. I slowed down. Mackenzie kept her pace and when she realized I wasn't with her, she looked back at me, and then kept going. I was so glad she did, because I was ashamed at what I did next: I stopped.
That was the very moment all of the lessons and realizations and everything hit me. I stopped. I didn't reach my goal to not walk. I stopped. But as I thought about it (and as I controlled my bowels), as I thought about everything that I had supposedly 'failed' at in the last year.. was I a failure for stopping? Was I failure that things hadn't worked out? The answer was an overwhelming NO. I wasn't a failure. I tried my very hardest. The lesson that day was not self-confidence. In that moment I realized I didn't need it, because I already knew it. I already knew I was a confident person. I already knew I could do hard things. I already knew that in order to live your dreams you have to put everything you've got into it. No, the lesson that day was not to be a lesson of repeated past lessons. Why would the Lord waste both His and my time teaching me things I already knew deep down inside?
The lesson was simple: Put your whole heart into everything, and let Him take care of the rest. I couldn't do it by myself. How stupid and foolish I felt for thinking that I could! You give 110% of yourself.. which will take you only so far... and then you rely on Him. I used to hear the word grace, or think of the concept of grace as just something that I heard about. But now, I have much greater faith on what it is (even though I recognize I am only barely scratching the surface on understanding it). This what it comes down to. You CANNOT do it by yourself. You need grace. But you also have to put in everything you’ve got, and then rely on it. It's not one or the other. Its both. You need both the wholeness and devotion of your heart, as well as grace. You cannot rely on grace alone, and you cannot do it by yourself. You need both.
After I ate my humble pie, I started running again. The whole "aha" moment probably lasted about 2 minutes (but felt like eternity because of all of the realizations). The last mile didn't even phase me. Although I knew He loved me, I felt foolish. When I got to the finish line, I started to cry. Not because I was tired. Not because every inch of me hurt, but because I had been so naive in thinking I could do it by myself. It was a great lesson.
The Big Lesson: Let us Glory in Tribulation
I don't even know how to explain this one. It is just one of those beautiful feelings. I am not at all saying that I do glory in my tribulation.. I think that will take a lifetime to get to. But I'm starting to understand why it is so important, and how infinitely beautiful it is. 2 blog posts ago, (the one entitled "The Joy of Emotion") I talked about opposition in all things, and how it brings you joy. As I've continued to think about this concept over the last few months, as I've thought about the things in my life that didn't work out how I planned them to, and with the aftermath of running a marathon, there has been a few things that have fallen into place for me.
A few weeks ago when I was teaching Relief Society, a scripture came up as we talked about trials in our lesson. The scripture is Romans 8:18 which states,
"For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us"
That means that everything you're going through.. (especially the things in your life that are the absolute hardest thing you've ever experienced..) that pain, no matter how excruciating it may be.. cannot even be compared with the GLORY that will be shown in who you will become. Beautiful yes? Let's throw something else into the mix:In 2 Corinthians 15:10 Paul says,
"Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."
So putting these together, what does this mean? It is tribulation we should glory in.. because it is tribulation that makes us strong. It is tribulation that shall reveal the glory in us. That we are literally capable of doing ANYTHING. Your body is amazing. God loves you. I realize now that running a marathon is 90% in your head (will power, faith, etc), and 10% training. Maybe I shouldn't even give that much credit to training. Truth be told too.. I think I hurt myself. I'm going to a doctor tmrw, and he's probably going to tell me I have stress fracture, but what does that tell me? It tells me that your will is stronger than your body. I wanted to run 26.2 miles. So I did. You can do anything you want too.. you just have to believe in yourself. And if you need help with that, come talk to me personally. I will sit and tell you how very capable you are of achieving anything.
So why not take those moments of pure courage to achieve? It may not work out how you plan it to, but that doesn't mean its not going to be freaking awesome. You can't possibly comprehend all of the wonderful possibilities that await you.. so give it a try, and see how it all unfolds. What have you got to loose? You have everything to gain.
