The Joy of Emotion

Friday morning, I woke up with a heavy heart. A heaviness that now I realize I've been carrying around for some time, and since Friday, it has just gotten heavier. As everyone knows, the mere living of life means that sooner or later you're going to have to say good-bye to someone. Be it a close friend, family member, or even just an acquaintance or study buddy you've enjoyed  talking to or spending time with.. to the old and young, wherever you are, whoever you are.. it is inevitable.

For me, it was my roommate of three years whose graduation commencement I was going to attend that morning. We had experienced most of college together. It even seemed like we had been through the wash together. We laughed, sang and danced (literally.. party hopped on a few occasions). We shared laundry coins, and even switched off buying and sharing milk every other week. We lost count of how many friends we had said good-bye to to marriages, missions, and new jobs. And through all of the seasons, romantic flings, breakups, bad dates, academic failures and pure heartache that life always brings, we stuck through it. Waking up that morning, my heart was heavy.. because I knew that the mere occurance of that ceremony, was about to mark the change of everything in my beloved friendship of three years. 

But I welcomed it, as I welcome the aftermath of the hardship even now as I sit and type out this blog post. Yes, we said our good-byes this morning and weeped a little bit, but I still embrace it. Why? Because it was emotion. 

The last few months I've been thinking a lot about emotion. The world calls women crazy when they are emotional, but are they really? No. In fact, to anyone who shuts off their emotion, I personally would turn around and literally run in the opposite direction. Its always easier to tell yourself not to care. Its always easier, when someone says something or does something hurtful, to walk away and stop yourself from feeling hurt.. but  since when does 'easier' necessarily mean 'good' or 'healthy' or even 'virtuous'? The one does not denote meaning of the other, they are not necessarily tied. 

The only reason I say this, was because a few months ago, I did just that. I turned off my emotion because I didn't want to feel the pain that life often carries with it. I didn't want to be hurt by things that were and weren't happening in my life, or by not being the most successful student, or by failing to meet the world's expectations.. so very slowly, and unconsciously.. I began to turn it off. When I realized I didn't care about the things that initially hurt me, I also realized that I had stopped caring about everything altogether. I felt nothing. And realizing how just very damaging this was.. (because without hurt, I stopped feeling happiness), I decided that I would do whatever it takes to just feel. Im not gonna lie, it was super hard.. and for a longtime thereafter the only thing I could feel was the weight of my weaknesses.. but this time, there was one difference: I felt some-thing. 

So as I end, I just want to express my gratitude for emotion--not just the positive but all the negative. Because without one, we cannot feel the other. As much as we want to sometimes cut out the painful things that we experience, or choose to not care---if we were to do that, then all happiness would diminish. As much as the world preaches that life should just be one big ball of fun and happiness, and to do everything you can to avoid negative emotions--You absolutely cannot be happy without them. Apathy is not happiness. In fact, it stinks! 

May we all rejoice in both the happy moments in our lives, and thank God for allowing us to feel pain.. because in the end, that it was makes joy so delicious--pure emotion. 

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my first-born in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility." -2 Nephi 2:11

"I Won't Give Up" & The Symbolism of the Stars.

The night sky is a big deal to me.

When I was a child, my dad used to take us kids out into this field by our house to point out constellations, and tell Polynesian stories of the stars to us. Sometimes, we'd just sit in silence and stare upward; stare heavenly. But I always associate the night sky with two things I love most: My Father, and Brighton Camp.

When I was a program director at Brighton camp in the summer of 2010, I had an experience with the stars that I ended up sharing with my staff the following year, as a Director.. which sometimes they will still remind me of and I too think on when I'm having a hard time.

Because Brighton is situated at the very utmost top part of Big Cottonwood Canyon, anyone who is up there after sunset will know how extremely dark it can get. In fact, its kind of scary without a flashlight. But the blessing with that, is that you can see the stars—and I mean, really see all of them. The milky way is so obviously white as it streaks across the sky. There are stars on the horizon of the mountains that you wouldn’t have even guessed existed. They all come with their own unique brightness and dimness depending on their size or proximity to the earth. Its awe-inspiring image is even mouth dropping. For me, the most beautiful thing of all about this magnificent art piece looming above your head (including the great symbolism the stars have in dealing with self-worth and infinite potential), are the shooting stars.

There’s so many of them. It kind of excites the soul to see them dance across the sky, especially when you’re surrounded by people you have a deep love for, in a peaceful mountain place like Brighton.    

But my analogy was this: If you think about where Brighton is located, at the very top of a canyon, and literally maybe (at most) 40 people outside of the camp who are probably inside their homes… there is hardly anyone else looking up at the sky at the same time you may be looking up at the sky. There were nights even when I would steal away from the activities of camp, when I knew everyone was hustling around, and just look up for the joy of taking in that sight. I knew there were moments when I was the only person looking up at that sky, and if I saw a shooting star.. I decided that God shot it for me; just because he is omnibenevolent. 

Jason Mraz sings a song called, "I Won't Give Up". Although it has more of a romantic feel to it, today I took it in a different sense. In all actuality, I haven't heard or listened to the song in a few weeks, and today (the day of my genetics exam), I woke up with the song in my head. Ironic? I choose rather to believe that it was a tender mercy. 

I love it because he talks a lot about learning, progression, and potential.. while all managing to relate it to the stars.. and this is what the stars mean to me. It may be cheesy, but they are symbolic in this way. 

The truth is.. I didn't want to take my Genetics exam. In fact, I've even been struggling the last few weeks to find a desire to even study for or do anything for this class.. because of my emotional attachment to it. I know that if I don't do well.. I won't have the time to retake it before I need to graduate, and that's a HUGE deal because it will indefinitely hinder my ability to live my dream of being a biology teacher. This class scares me.. because of the great potential it has to hurt me and keep me from doing what I want with my life. Therefore, my fear has turned into apathy.

 It's always easier to force yourself to not care then it is to be hurt by failure... but that doesn't mean its the right thing to do. In fact, over the past few months I've slowly been learning its always better to try and actually feel some sort of emotion (even if its painful) than to not try, and feel nothing. Without emotion, you have no purpose. You're as dry as a blade of grass in a summer drought. 

Anyways, that was a side note, im getting distracted haha. But I just wanted to share this song, because it is all about getting back on track after that drought in your life is over. To me, it is about trying for the sake of trying.. not because you're going to necessarily always get something good from trying--but because the effort is worth it, no matter the consequence.

As I walked across campus today listening to this song, a sense of purpose did come over me. Maybe you can see some meaning in his lyrics: 

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

 "For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am"

And the truth is, sometimes you will need to go through hard times just so you can know that you didn't break, you didn't burn and the world didn't cave in. You need to learn to be grateful for what you have, and in humility what you lack and just aren't.. but that's okay. It teaches you who you are.. and what you can become. Sometimes in your life you're going to live through moments that will burn, but 'even the stars.. they burn' ...and look how loved they are.. look how magnificent and powerful they are. 

How old is your soul? You don't even know. You don't even know what kinds of wonderful things you did before you were born; who you influenced, or what you accomplished. So why not now? And the most beautiful part of this whole song.. is that God knows your worth it. Yes, God.. the greatest of all.. knows that YOU are worth the trial, and the learning. 

Anyways, I just wanted to share these thoughts.. I know this post is a little longer than usual but if you've gotten this far, then great! 

The stars symbolize so much to me, and in return I wanted to share to the world that with all of the hard things going on in your life.. the painful things, or even (like in my case) the desire to try to avoid emotion for fear of pain... it's okay; and it will be. You just have to try. 

 "God knows you're worth it."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdN5GyTl8K0&ob=av2e

Philippians 4:13

Philippians 4:13 reads, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

This scripture has been on my mind today as I've reflected on a lot of things in my life, and the lives of those around me. I love this scripture. I love it so much. It is empowering, and it is the secret to perfect success.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me"

                                         ...Not just some things, but all things.. so dream big.  

This past month has been a little rough for me, as (quite frankly) I feel like I've been bombarded with the reality of my weaknesses, my inabilities, and the things I'm just not. The things that I struggle with, and the things that I am just cut off short of. Sometimes, there are things we just can't do. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we just aren't good enough; or our best just isn't enough. At moments like this, I guess you could just say to yourself, "Well.. welcome to real life."

But, to address this problem, let's consider the character of God. Who is God? In Islam, they believe that God has 99 names. Names like, 'The Merciful', 'The Enricher', or 'The Light' (many of which many religions contribute to him). So who is God? All of these things and more.. but for the sake of this entry, let's consider a few basic things:

1. God is Love. (Yes, infinitely loving.. fully unbiased, and impartial. See Matt 5:45)
2. He is all-powerful.
3. He is not a liar.

So if God loves you, is capable of anything, and keeps all of the promises he gives to you, then you can acknowledge that you can do ALL things, yes? Because His great love for you, would cause Him to want you to succeed at all things. Then let us continue because it is the 2nd half of Philippians 4:13 that I thought about today. The part about how Christ is the one who strengthens.

In lieu of everything I mentioned above with my 'downer' feelings this month.. today I realized the 'through Christ which strengtheneth me" part that is important. If I (or for a broader application, 'we') are not acting, in, for, and focused on Christ.. then we can't do all things. I realized today, that if this is what we are to focus on, then everything else will fall into place... and this is the theme for your entire LIFE. It doesn't matter what you're struggling with, what you're experiencing, or what opportunities (or lack of) are before you.. if you forget yourself on focus on Christ, then everything WILL fall into place. He has already promised that, and God is not a liar.

For me, this whole last month I've been concentrating on my inabilities, my weaknesses and fears.. that I am just not able to do the things I want. But I realize that it doesn't matter what I can and can't do. It doesn't matter, because He will fill in the gap with His grace. It doesn't matter, because the only thing that does matter, is selflessness and Charitable love. To forget oneself and truly worry on the welfare of your neighbor through your daily responsibilities... then, (quietly and probably without notice) I know the Lord will work out all the details. I know it.

This is the beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ. This is why I love the Atonement--because we just can't do it alone. The Atonement teaches you that through Christ, you can do anything. 


You have infinite potential.

My Favorite Memory

I've been wanting to post this for a while, but have been wanting to wait for a moment when I felt more passionate about it. I think that moment has come.

Besides being my favorite memory, I think it is also one of my earliest, if not my earliest..

I remember once when I was about 5 years old, there was a little Russian girl that lived in my apartment complex about my age. For some reason, I was upset with this girl, Sacha. It was probably for some menial reason, and I told my dad that I hated her, without fully understanding the intensity of that word .

I remember my dad took me in his arms, and turned me away from him, so we were both facing the portrait of Christ that was on the wall next to our front door. Softly he asked me, "Muriel, what would Jesus do? Would he want you to hate Sacha?" Me not fully understanding the concepts of forgivneess, he continued, "Would Jesus want you to love her?" Despite the inexperience in my 5 year old mind, a feeling of shame came over me; and embarrassed I replied in a way I knew I should. I told him I would love her, and not hate her anymore.

That memory has never left me, and as I look back at it... yes, I was embarrassed at the time, but my dad taught me a lesson that day: Love, no matter what.
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I'm currently applying for the teaching program here at BYU and one of the essay questions asks about any personal experiences as to why you would want to be a teacher. Because this application pretty much means the world to me right now, I've been putting it off in hopes of thinking about it to try to make it as good as I can get it. So this weekend, I started reading through some old journals to see what stories I could find.

The day my brother went into the MTC.. June 29, 2011.. I was working as a Director up at Brighton LDS Girls camp. I had left camp to come down to the valley to see my brother off, and this is what I wrote that night in my journal:
"... It was weird going down to the valley. Even just spending the morning with dad I think just changed my whole countenance and perspective on everything.... my dad IS love. He is the definition of Charity. He is the most selfless person I know. All he ever talks about is someone else, or helping someone else, or principles of truth. And furthermore, he saves up all of his money...so he can give it away. It just hit me in the face today. Everything my dad has ever taught me has been centered around loving someone else. Doing good for someone else. Oh, I wish i could be more like him! So humble, and so concentrated on the gospel."

You might read this blog and think of it as a brag session i'm having for my dad, but that is not why I'm writing this, no, not at all. I honestly and sincerely believe that Love is the most powerful thing in the universe. It is what teaches people what they need to learn in this life, it is what gets people through this life, and without it we'd all be lost.

Love...do it. Not because it feels good, but because it IS good. It's sometimes hard to drop every distasteful thing and to do it, but of all the things I've learned in my life, it is that "Love is the answer.. to all of life's trials."

The International Language of Kindness

I'm not feeling particularly poetic or 'writ-ey' but I had some thoughts that I wanted to share, so please bear with me through this array of in-eloquence.

When I moved to Saudi Arabia 11 years ago, it was a very different world than it is now. Very different. From the day I got here and most of the years I lived here, there always felt like there was an unspoken barrier between Saudis and Westerners. This barrier consisted of a wall made up of differences. Differences of one party not really wanting to understand the other one. From the westerner's who lived on my compound, I was always told things about Saudis in a negative light: "It's hard to compromise with them." "Don't argue with them, they love to argue" or "Be careful, they do whatever they want and don't care about you." 

When I got to high school I had the dramatic difference of being surrounded by hardly any westerners, and heard the flip side of the comments: "White people are so uptight." "White people don't care about anyone except themselves" or "they're so close-minded, they don't want to even try to understand anyone who is different." 

If you were to ask me what my biggest pet peeve is, hands down I could tell you in one word: Stereotypes. 

But the point of this blog entry isn't to go off about how stereotypes are unfair, or that they categorize people without giving them a chance. No, this blog is about a beautiful thing that I've been witnessing the last few trips that I have made to Saudi: Peace, the evaporation of differences... acceptance. 

Just this morning, I went to a grocery store in the heart of the city of Al-Khobar, and while everyone was rushing to get out of the store in time for prayer, there was a Saudi woman in line behind us. Behind her was an American family with two girls. As I stood there and watched everyone around me (because I love to people watch!) I noticed that the Saudi woman let the American girls go in front of her in the line, because they just had one thing to check out. Yeah, you might read this and say, "So what? things like that happen all the time" But to me it was a little surprising. In the years that I've been here, the two cultural groups seemed to have done everything in their power to pretend the other isn't there. They usually ignore each other. They usually just say something if one is in the way of the other; but this Saudi woman (who was by herself), totally let those girls go ahead. Even while shopping today at the grocery store, I could see westerners and Saudis acknowledging each other and helping each other. Nothing huge, nothing that would be noteworthy to anyone else.. but it seemed completely normal to everyone. Even as I walked down aisles looking for what I wanted, I felt this wide ambiance of 'understanding'. One was not judging the other, we just accepted that we lived different lives, and did things differently. Simple as that.

I feel that over the years, these groups of people have tried to understand each other, and because of that, the wall has been crumbling. Slowly, but surely.

Over the past month I've been pondering a lot about compassion and kindness, and I feel like my experience this morning has been exactly the closing factor of my thoughts.

Human relationships are everything. For as long as the world has existed, only within the last 200 or so years has technology boosted, as well as education. There were people at the time of Leonardo da Vinci who were set to have known everything there is to know--today, that would be impossible. But if you look throughout time and history, you can see that people still lived and had things to live for. They survived without everything we have today, so what does that tell you? The only thing that matters in this life, are your relationships with other people. 

With that being said, treating people (especially strangers) with kindness is a reflection of building good relationships. Kindness is understood by every culture, every race, every people. You don't have to speak the same language as someone to help them out. In fact, I was sitting next to a Nepalese man on my last flight to Saudi who did not know a lick of English, or... how to fill out his passport form for customs. He gestured to me to help him, I took his passport, and then filled out the paperwork for him; because he was completely helpless in terms of even being able to read it.

Saudi's and westerners are tearing down their barriers, because they are showing kindness to each other. What other barriers can we tear down in our lives if we are but kind to those who are different from us, from those who see the world in a different light than us, or from those who we may not have always gotten a long with? The underlining message that I see in all of this is to love, and never stop loving; no matter your race, your culture, your differences.

If you want to obtain peace and happiness in this crazy world there is only one thing to do: Love with every chance you get. Love everything and everyone without making up excuses. Love with all of your heart.

How Can You Measure Love?

I'm taking an Entomology class this semester (literally '-study of bugs') and my professor is a hoot. I really love him. I'm not sure if it's because he looks like my dad, has a similar personality to my dad, served in Tahiti three years before my dad, or the fact that he actually knows my dad... but I really love my professor. Dr. Riley Nelson (yes, like BYU's new discovered quarterback) and half of lecture time is usually a tangent that he has gone off of that might not have anything to do with bugs. I sincerely look forward to going to his lectures.

So on Monday, he brought some scorpions in a plastic container to show to the class. I had heard this before, but if you know scorpions, you know that they glow in the dark--and from an evolutionary standpoint, nobody knows why. There are maybe two papers out there with theories, but science just doesn't know. We know what chemical it is, we know how it happens through light absorption, but we don't know why it is good for the scorpion.

So my professor is sitting there trying to get us to come up with theories. He starts talking about the scientific method (you observe something, like the fact the scorpion glows, you question why, and then you come up with a hypothesis; then you test it to see if you're right) and at one point he says, "Maybe it is just because God loves the Scorpion and wanted to give it something to brag about" and then jokingly he adds, "How do you measure love? How can you take the scientific method and scientifically measure love? You just can't!"

It may have been one of his random tangents to get us to laugh, or the fact that he's super spontaneous, but that question got me thinking...

How do you measure love? You can't. It's impossible. There is no way on earth you can measure love in an amount or a quantity. Which means, if I love something 'a lot' that is not at all specific. Someone listening would not be able to say back to me, "oh, ok. I know exactly how you feel."

I used to belief that love and selfishness were so cut and dry. For example, "Selfishness is an inside feeling that makes you keep to yourself, all sad and alone and it is a very individual focused feeling." Whereas my idea of love would be something like this, "love is bursting at the seems. Something that makes you soooo happy you feel as if you are going to explode. A feeling that you realize you have no room left to love anymore, and yet God in his kindness manages to continually fill you with that beautiful feeling. You are anxious to give it away, and yet you have no idea how to do it. You wonder how it is even possible to continue to love more, and yet every time you love again or love some more, your love seems to have increased exponentially."

Yes, all these things are true about how selfishness and love make you feel, but there is even more to it. On Monday, and throughout the week as I was thinking about this question, I realized how right Riley was. You can't measure love. You can only base what you think another person feels about love, on the reflections of your own feelings (either about them or based on your own experiences to how you think love is to be measured.) And its not like this is a bad thing, I just find it funny. For example, working at Brighton this summer there were soooooo many instances where I just wanted people to know how much I really cared about them. In fact, I would get frustrated because I had no idea how to let them know the full capacity of my love for them. But I realize now that that isn't the point.

I guess what does matter (what I got out of this whole thought-process through the week) was that there was a different purpose to love then I thought before. I'm always the type to want others to feel loved, the type to want others to feel confident in what they're doing, and if that means doing everything I can to love them, and then show them how much I love them, so be it. But since I realize I can never show a person that, I feel the point of love isn't to be known by others how much we love them, but to just love them.

At Brighton this summer, there was a line in the theme song that comes to mind which states, "...others might not love me back, but I will love them still..." and I think that that is the entire point. We don't love to be loved. We love because love in and of itself is worth doing--it is the one thing that makes us better, the only thing that gives anything in this life, purpose at all... true, pure, Charitable love.

Brighton Week 3. Theme: Tweak Week

Sorry, I have not been keeping this updated.

But because I have to leave to camp in about an hour, this will probably be a short post.

Adventures for this week:

The younger maintenance couple has their day off on Wednesday, so what did we do while they were gone? We pranked them :) We had a box from the craft shack of about 800 small toy mice, and we placed them allll over their room. On the floor, on their bed, on their couch, on the handles of drawers... any possible flat surface. It was Abu Dobby and I doing it, so with 3 of us it took about 15 min. We could not stop laughing the entire time! The next day when they were back Abu and I were so embarrassed and scared to face them, but it was so awesome!

The other great adventure was Wednesday night ( I guess Wednesday in general was just an adventure!) After flag on the rock, everyone split into their units to do Dutch Oven cookout. The overnighter spot hasn't completely melted from the snow yet, so earlier this week Abu and I found a different spot up on the road toward Clayton's Peak. (Yes, Brighton Ski Resort land). The overnighters had left that afternoon, and after about an hour of dutch oven, it began to rain. And then there was rolllling thunder that echoed on the mountains, intense lightening and before we knew it, it was hailing. So what we heard was that the overnighters up on the mountain, threw all of their stuff under trees with tarps under it, and just booked it. The truck would have to go up and get their stuff later. On the way down the mountain though, they realized the gate to the road was locked. They could walk around it, but the truck would not be able to get up to get their stuff. By some miracle Zimmy (one of the Zim sisters) happened to show up. She knew the code to the gate because she has a cabin in that area, and the truck was able to get all of the campers stuff.

While at camp, there were groups ducking for cover, and one unit's food did not even get halfway cooked. One of the Program Directors ended up taking them bagels so they would have some sort of food for dinner.

Wednesday was a crazy night, but as I lay in my bed that night looking at the ceiling I realized that sometimes in our lives what seems like a trial, is actually a tender mercy in and of itself. As hectic as everything was, Abu and I weren't stressed at all. Everything just happened to work out, and I guess it's the Lord's way of telling us that even though he sends the rain (no pun intended), he will always have that silver lining we have to look for that makes it all worth it. And the good news is, we even saw a double rainbow when it was all over ;)

Until next week!
-Yellow