I have a story to tell. One that I only today realized has slowly been forming over the last few months. But now that it has truly developed, along with it my debt of gratitude to thank all those who were involved comes too--and to forego this powerful gratitude that I have, would go against my very grain. I have to share this. I'm not sure where to begin, or even how to begin. But I hope I can hold your attention long enough to express this burning gratitude. This is important to me.
"Love is for the Bold"--a statement my old roommates and I (and even my entire Relief Society in my old ward) would say to each other to give us courage with boys. But today as I was sitting in Relief Society, I realized how that statement does not only apply to romantic relationships... but of every sort of human relationship one desires some kind of love in.. as CS Lewis puts it, there are in fact 3 other types of love besides romantic: Affection, Friendship, and Charity (read his book The Four Loves). So how would one go on to attain any of these? By being bold.
This is where my story comes in.
Today as I sat in church I felt a sort of peace that I can honestly say I haven't felt in months. Not just because I was in church, but because I recognized that I was no longer broken. It was a wholeness of peace. That because of a decision I had made halfway through the summer, there was nothing to be afraid of.
Fear--- the one thing that incites absolute misery. We've all experienced the torture it can bring. At the beginning of the summer the only thing I felt was fear. Fear of the unknown future, fear that my weaknesses would overcome my strengths, fear that I just wasn't good enough, or the fear that I would never live happily ever after. But today that changed.. not because it all changed today, but because I realized how slowly it has dissolved.
I did everything I wanted to this summer. Everything. They weren't huge things the world would deem "amazing" but it was what I wanted. It was enough. I went to wedding receptions, I visited Brighton Camp, I went boating, I ran a marathon. But what else? What was the big decision that I made that has filled me with so much love today? I moved.
I'd been living in the same ward for 3 years. When I started my summer, I was not happy. I felt broken inside from months of exerted effort in school, hopes of relationships I knew would die now that summer had started, and on top of it.. I felt very alone. All of the people I had started school with 5 years previous, were gone. I felt stupid that I was the only one among them who had not graduated, gone on a mission, or gotten married. It was also the very first summer since I had graduated from high school, that I would not be working at Brighton Camp. Brighton Camp--the one place on earth I feel truly is like heaven. It is Zion in every sense of the word. Where everyone is of one heart and one mind; the place where every person's sincere effort is to help each other grow closer to God. How was I going to get through the summer, and the following year without that sort of rejuvenation, that touch to heaven? But the main person who was left that I sincerely trusted whole-heartedly hadn't gone too far.. a roommate I had met at Brighton.. and she moved to an apartment complex down the street where I would visit her often.
In fact, my visits became my hope. When summer began I moved into an apartment (still in that same ward) where I had my own room, and my roommates were never home. The loneliness only intensified into misery and so my visits to Michelle not only left me with good company.. but I soon learned why she had chosen to live in this complex. I liked the people there. They were kind, and genuine. I felt at peace and in a whole different world away from my fears where I could laugh, get to know new faces, and rejoice in the mere goodness of human relations.
So that's when I did it. For weeks I had been praying my little heart out, and the thought finally came to buy a contract for summer. I knew Michelle was going back to camp, so I wouldn't have her shoulder to lean on when I moved in.. but I desperately needed a change. I needed to start out new, start out fresh.
When I helped Michelle move out, I voiced my fears to her.. that I was afraid moving wasn't going to be everything I'd want it to be.. not because of the place or the people there, but because of my own weaknesses and fears. What if I didn't get over the shyness that had developed in me during the summer? What if I wasn't able to help or support those in need the best way that I could? The night I moved in, I was terrified. The first new place in 3 years. I was shy, and I knew that if I didn't make some sort of effort to connect, my summer would remain miserable.
But like I said earlier, as I sat in church today.. peace flooded over me. Why? Because it WAS everything I had hoped for. I made new friends, and learned about what made them tick (oh my favorite thing of all!) I listened to their sorrows and joys, we laughed, we went camping, ate (too much) pizza and just had a blast. What I really need from my life, was a break. And I got it. I know this is probably sounding super cheesy now to everyone reading.. but it was exactly what I needed. I needed these people, and I think the Lord knew that too. He knew they could remedy me. Take me away from my fears.. and in turn, I learned to overcome them.
So if you're still reading this, I first congratulate you. But second, I want to express my sincere gratitude. To those people living in Campus Plaza.. thank you. The fears that suffocated me and gave me nightmares for weeks (literally), have vanished. Not because you gave me magic healing balm (haha), but because of your friendship. Your goodness. Your sincerity. In your own small little ways, whether it was hanging out, or even just a hello (yes those were a huge deal to me) it was everything I needed.
Something that I learned while working at camp, is that if it matters to you, then it matters to God. It doesn't matter how great or small your trial is.. if you're struggling with something, then it is important. And although my struggles may not seem huge to most people, they were were still hard for me.
Remember.. Love is for the Bold. I realize now that when I bought that contract I had no idea what was ahead.. but the fruit that I have now from exercising even a tiny bit of faith.. has become far more succulent and delicious than I could have hoped for. When you exercise faith, you will receive an increase of Love. It is inevitable.
I just wanted to end with a favorite quote of mine.. "Treat a man as he is, and he'll stay as he is. Treat a man as he could be, and he'll become what he should be."-Ralph Waldo Emerson. Thanks for doing that for me.
"Love is for the Bold"--a statement my old roommates and I (and even my entire Relief Society in my old ward) would say to each other to give us courage with boys. But today as I was sitting in Relief Society, I realized how that statement does not only apply to romantic relationships... but of every sort of human relationship one desires some kind of love in.. as CS Lewis puts it, there are in fact 3 other types of love besides romantic: Affection, Friendship, and Charity (read his book The Four Loves). So how would one go on to attain any of these? By being bold.
This is where my story comes in.
Today as I sat in church I felt a sort of peace that I can honestly say I haven't felt in months. Not just because I was in church, but because I recognized that I was no longer broken. It was a wholeness of peace. That because of a decision I had made halfway through the summer, there was nothing to be afraid of.
Fear--- the one thing that incites absolute misery. We've all experienced the torture it can bring. At the beginning of the summer the only thing I felt was fear. Fear of the unknown future, fear that my weaknesses would overcome my strengths, fear that I just wasn't good enough, or the fear that I would never live happily ever after. But today that changed.. not because it all changed today, but because I realized how slowly it has dissolved.
I did everything I wanted to this summer. Everything. They weren't huge things the world would deem "amazing" but it was what I wanted. It was enough. I went to wedding receptions, I visited Brighton Camp, I went boating, I ran a marathon. But what else? What was the big decision that I made that has filled me with so much love today? I moved.
I'd been living in the same ward for 3 years. When I started my summer, I was not happy. I felt broken inside from months of exerted effort in school, hopes of relationships I knew would die now that summer had started, and on top of it.. I felt very alone. All of the people I had started school with 5 years previous, were gone. I felt stupid that I was the only one among them who had not graduated, gone on a mission, or gotten married. It was also the very first summer since I had graduated from high school, that I would not be working at Brighton Camp. Brighton Camp--the one place on earth I feel truly is like heaven. It is Zion in every sense of the word. Where everyone is of one heart and one mind; the place where every person's sincere effort is to help each other grow closer to God. How was I going to get through the summer, and the following year without that sort of rejuvenation, that touch to heaven? But the main person who was left that I sincerely trusted whole-heartedly hadn't gone too far.. a roommate I had met at Brighton.. and she moved to an apartment complex down the street where I would visit her often.
In fact, my visits became my hope. When summer began I moved into an apartment (still in that same ward) where I had my own room, and my roommates were never home. The loneliness only intensified into misery and so my visits to Michelle not only left me with good company.. but I soon learned why she had chosen to live in this complex. I liked the people there. They were kind, and genuine. I felt at peace and in a whole different world away from my fears where I could laugh, get to know new faces, and rejoice in the mere goodness of human relations.
So that's when I did it. For weeks I had been praying my little heart out, and the thought finally came to buy a contract for summer. I knew Michelle was going back to camp, so I wouldn't have her shoulder to lean on when I moved in.. but I desperately needed a change. I needed to start out new, start out fresh.
When I helped Michelle move out, I voiced my fears to her.. that I was afraid moving wasn't going to be everything I'd want it to be.. not because of the place or the people there, but because of my own weaknesses and fears. What if I didn't get over the shyness that had developed in me during the summer? What if I wasn't able to help or support those in need the best way that I could? The night I moved in, I was terrified. The first new place in 3 years. I was shy, and I knew that if I didn't make some sort of effort to connect, my summer would remain miserable.
But like I said earlier, as I sat in church today.. peace flooded over me. Why? Because it WAS everything I had hoped for. I made new friends, and learned about what made them tick (oh my favorite thing of all!) I listened to their sorrows and joys, we laughed, we went camping, ate (too much) pizza and just had a blast. What I really need from my life, was a break. And I got it. I know this is probably sounding super cheesy now to everyone reading.. but it was exactly what I needed. I needed these people, and I think the Lord knew that too. He knew they could remedy me. Take me away from my fears.. and in turn, I learned to overcome them.
So if you're still reading this, I first congratulate you. But second, I want to express my sincere gratitude. To those people living in Campus Plaza.. thank you. The fears that suffocated me and gave me nightmares for weeks (literally), have vanished. Not because you gave me magic healing balm (haha), but because of your friendship. Your goodness. Your sincerity. In your own small little ways, whether it was hanging out, or even just a hello (yes those were a huge deal to me) it was everything I needed.
Something that I learned while working at camp, is that if it matters to you, then it matters to God. It doesn't matter how great or small your trial is.. if you're struggling with something, then it is important. And although my struggles may not seem huge to most people, they were were still hard for me.
Remember.. Love is for the Bold. I realize now that when I bought that contract I had no idea what was ahead.. but the fruit that I have now from exercising even a tiny bit of faith.. has become far more succulent and delicious than I could have hoped for. When you exercise faith, you will receive an increase of Love. It is inevitable.
I just wanted to end with a favorite quote of mine.. "Treat a man as he is, and he'll stay as he is. Treat a man as he could be, and he'll become what he should be."-Ralph Waldo Emerson. Thanks for doing that for me.
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